Disability - It's a Bummer!

Recently I was told that my illness back in Feb 2009 left me with more brain damage than just short term memory loss and a warped sense of humor. [Delete the latter I was born with that. ;)].  Apparently a rise in adrenaline due to stress interferes with my basic problem-solving thought processes.  I am a masters degreed chemist in the field of physical chemistry which is the physics of chemistry.  Well, was.  Think about it. My intelligence has not been diminished but an important part of my ability to apply it has.

I have become more of a burden to my family.  My poor wife can say with truth that she has to take care of 10 kids still at home. She also was the one who had to inform me of this handicap.  Everyone in my family knew this about me except me and that it was obvious from almost the beginning.  In my struggle with understanding this knowledge I hurt and insulted my wife. So I also suffer from CRIS (Cranial Rectal Insertion Syndrome). She has forgiven me because she is a wonderful person who deserves better than me.

Don't get me wrong.  I am not soliciting pity, sympathy, and/or empathy.  (Prayer I always accept!) I am just trying to figure it all out and writing about it helps.

So let's take stock:

Traumatic Osteo-Arthritis - hands knees and now hip in pain almost everyday. Can't work on cars or do simple household repairs( great weather station though)
Chronic pericarditis - effects my ability to breathe and has severely limited my stamina
Short term memory loss - I have to write everything down if I can remember to do that (yet I can remember all the lyrics to the theme song for the Beverly Hillbillies Show)
Adrenaline induced synapse malfunction (yes I can still use big words) - if stressed, I can't find my way out the front door (shut it!)

Have I been rendered useless?  Maybe.  But I can still teach my kids math and science and the Bible.  I can teach the Word of God to anyone who asks.  It seems that God thinks that might be more important than my ability to bring home a paycheck or run a lab or join MENSA.

So why don't I feel better about it?  Well I watch my wife work 12+ hours a day on our business without complaint when I should be the one but I can't.  I was raised to be the man of the house and the breadwinner. etc. (Please don't quote verse and give me advice unless you have walked in my shoes.)

Well I guess I can either sit around waiting for death (yes it crossed my mind) or I can be thankful that I am blessed with a super hot capable wife and a family who loves me enough to fill in where I cannot!  The latter sounds better if not easier.  And when have I ever done things the easy way?




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