The Battle Within
Eph 6: 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
The full armor of God. Many of us know this well quoted section of Ephesians. All of us have experienced it some form or other and a few of us actually knew it was occurring. The kind of spiritual battle in which you stand firm. Not in your own strength but that of God's. There are some of us who have been in some really fierce battles of this kind and were even used by God as a soldier in the battle. I have been there. I have experienced it. I have seen God conquer and set souls and lives free (my own included). Battles where all I could do was stand (standing on my knees) and let God's heavenly warriors do the sword work. That is not what this post is about.
Romans 7:14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
While the battles I mentioned previously can be fierce and have been at times, the fiercest battles I have waged are against myself. Some people see a vivid imagination as a blessing, a gift. I am not convinced. I have a vivid imagination and it rarely has served me as a gift. More often than not, I have had to struggle against it. I have to battle against fear, anxiety, yes lust (not just sexual). I know, all of mankind struggles with these. I am not singling myself out as the only one who does. If I was the only one, Paul and others would not have to write about it in God's Word. Even more, Christ may not have had to die. Still I know, he would have died for me even if I was the only one. Unfortunately, my vivid imagination amplifies, focuses, exacerbates, and strengthens those struggles. The battles, especially when in a trial, physical, financial, emotional, etc., become even fiercer. Any victory, is always God's. Any victory that I try and claim, either is me in my own strength which eventually causes me to fall harder, or is me lying to myself and not a victory at all. In this weakness, and internal struggle, I have had the tendency to begin to hate myself. The bible says that we should love others (especially our wives those of us who have them) as we love ourselves. Imagine my dilemma. Yet another struggle. About now some of you are saying,"Dude you are messed up." Or starting to think of scriptures to try and fix me. I know. I have done this myself. So why am I writing this? To air out my closet? To prove to you that I am faithless and screwed up? Obviously if I had enough faith I wouldn't worry. Right?
I admit, currently I am struggling with trials that include much of what I have already stated. On a daily basis, I am fighting the law of sin within my sin nature. Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to run away. When that happens my vivid imagination is right there ready to create a fantasy world for me that feels a whole lot better than the suffering of trials (Oh, by the way, I haven't even mentioned the suffering of the consequences of my own stupidity). So there is another battle. Those of you who are struggling with addictions know this feeling too. God promises he will never leave our side. Deut 31:6, Heb 13:4-6 The problem is that we who are flesh and blood are trapped and cannot always feel His presence. God always keeps His promises. So He is there whether or not we can feel his presence.
So what hope do I have? Rom 7 - 8 says that through Christ we have freedom and that nothing can separate us from His love. In 1 John 3:2 says when we see him we will be like him. Well when the trials and sufferings get fierce, I have had the tendency to begin to not just look forward to but to wish for death. Yeah, I know. Selfish right? I have a family still needs me right? See how this throws self recrimination into the mix?
I am writing this because I know many of you have felt, are feeling, or will feel this at some level. I am also writing this to offer you hope. Those of you who know me or at least know of me, have seen some, many or all of the trials my family and I have faced. Let me make this perfectly clear (said while doing a Richard Nixon impression) . We are not any better, wiser, more spiritually mature, greater in faith, etc. etc. than you. I am going to repeat this with written emphasis. WE ARE NOT ANY BETTER, WISER, MORE SPIRITUALLY MATURE, OR GREATER IN FAITH THAN YOU. I am not yelling just emphasizing. I want it to be clear that our getting through, was not of us but of Jesus Christ. Only him, period. Did it and does it hurt? Sometimes like a root canal without novocaine. Did it make us better, stronger, or wiser? The bible says it does and I have to rely on the absoluteness of it, but I don't feel it. I do know that my priorities have shifted significantly. Do I still struggle? Yep! Will I struggle until I see Him? Apparently. So what keeps me going? Why don't I just crawl into a bottle, a needle, a pill, jump off a bridge, self medicate etc? (don't think that I have not considered it ) Because the only gift side of my vivid imagination, makes me wonder and imagine things that might be if I don't and how badly it would damage those whom I love and love me. Does my family need me? Maybe. Maybe not. I have strong, intelligent, competent children. My wife is the wisest, strongest person I know. Her wisdom and knowledge far outweighs all of my formal education. My kids are the way they are because of her ability to parent and to lead. Still, I would like to be here to walk my daughters down the aisle, see my children and grandchildren graduate, see my sons do big things too (most already are), seeing my wife able to not have to work 16+ hours a day because I no longer can, to take her on that cruise that I have been trying to do for years, to mention a few. I am hoping to have the wonderful feeling of hearing the words at the end, "Well done good and faithful servant." How do I know that those words will be applicable to me? 1 John 3:2 says when I see him I will be like him. God's word is true, absolute, and His promises are always kept. So if I am like him, then I will be good and faithful. If nothing else, hang on to that and remember, you have a huge family in Christ to lean on, me included.
The full armor of God. Many of us know this well quoted section of Ephesians. All of us have experienced it some form or other and a few of us actually knew it was occurring. The kind of spiritual battle in which you stand firm. Not in your own strength but that of God's. There are some of us who have been in some really fierce battles of this kind and were even used by God as a soldier in the battle. I have been there. I have experienced it. I have seen God conquer and set souls and lives free (my own included). Battles where all I could do was stand (standing on my knees) and let God's heavenly warriors do the sword work. That is not what this post is about.
Romans 7:14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
While the battles I mentioned previously can be fierce and have been at times, the fiercest battles I have waged are against myself. Some people see a vivid imagination as a blessing, a gift. I am not convinced. I have a vivid imagination and it rarely has served me as a gift. More often than not, I have had to struggle against it. I have to battle against fear, anxiety, yes lust (not just sexual). I know, all of mankind struggles with these. I am not singling myself out as the only one who does. If I was the only one, Paul and others would not have to write about it in God's Word. Even more, Christ may not have had to die. Still I know, he would have died for me even if I was the only one. Unfortunately, my vivid imagination amplifies, focuses, exacerbates, and strengthens those struggles. The battles, especially when in a trial, physical, financial, emotional, etc., become even fiercer. Any victory, is always God's. Any victory that I try and claim, either is me in my own strength which eventually causes me to fall harder, or is me lying to myself and not a victory at all. In this weakness, and internal struggle, I have had the tendency to begin to hate myself. The bible says that we should love others (especially our wives those of us who have them) as we love ourselves. Imagine my dilemma. Yet another struggle. About now some of you are saying,"Dude you are messed up." Or starting to think of scriptures to try and fix me. I know. I have done this myself. So why am I writing this? To air out my closet? To prove to you that I am faithless and screwed up? Obviously if I had enough faith I wouldn't worry. Right?
I admit, currently I am struggling with trials that include much of what I have already stated. On a daily basis, I am fighting the law of sin within my sin nature. Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to run away. When that happens my vivid imagination is right there ready to create a fantasy world for me that feels a whole lot better than the suffering of trials (Oh, by the way, I haven't even mentioned the suffering of the consequences of my own stupidity). So there is another battle. Those of you who are struggling with addictions know this feeling too. God promises he will never leave our side. Deut 31:6, Heb 13:4-6 The problem is that we who are flesh and blood are trapped and cannot always feel His presence. God always keeps His promises. So He is there whether or not we can feel his presence.
So what hope do I have? Rom 7 - 8 says that through Christ we have freedom and that nothing can separate us from His love. In 1 John 3:2 says when we see him we will be like him. Well when the trials and sufferings get fierce, I have had the tendency to begin to not just look forward to but to wish for death. Yeah, I know. Selfish right? I have a family still needs me right? See how this throws self recrimination into the mix?
I am writing this because I know many of you have felt, are feeling, or will feel this at some level. I am also writing this to offer you hope. Those of you who know me or at least know of me, have seen some, many or all of the trials my family and I have faced. Let me make this perfectly clear (said while doing a Richard Nixon impression) . We are not any better, wiser, more spiritually mature, greater in faith, etc. etc. than you. I am going to repeat this with written emphasis. WE ARE NOT ANY BETTER, WISER, MORE SPIRITUALLY MATURE, OR GREATER IN FAITH THAN YOU. I am not yelling just emphasizing. I want it to be clear that our getting through, was not of us but of Jesus Christ. Only him, period. Did it and does it hurt? Sometimes like a root canal without novocaine. Did it make us better, stronger, or wiser? The bible says it does and I have to rely on the absoluteness of it, but I don't feel it. I do know that my priorities have shifted significantly. Do I still struggle? Yep! Will I struggle until I see Him? Apparently. So what keeps me going? Why don't I just crawl into a bottle, a needle, a pill, jump off a bridge, self medicate etc? (don't think that I have not considered it ) Because the only gift side of my vivid imagination, makes me wonder and imagine things that might be if I don't and how badly it would damage those whom I love and love me. Does my family need me? Maybe. Maybe not. I have strong, intelligent, competent children. My wife is the wisest, strongest person I know. Her wisdom and knowledge far outweighs all of my formal education. My kids are the way they are because of her ability to parent and to lead. Still, I would like to be here to walk my daughters down the aisle, see my children and grandchildren graduate, see my sons do big things too (most already are), seeing my wife able to not have to work 16+ hours a day because I no longer can, to take her on that cruise that I have been trying to do for years, to mention a few. I am hoping to have the wonderful feeling of hearing the words at the end, "Well done good and faithful servant." How do I know that those words will be applicable to me? 1 John 3:2 says when I see him I will be like him. God's word is true, absolute, and His promises are always kept. So if I am like him, then I will be good and faithful. If nothing else, hang on to that and remember, you have a huge family in Christ to lean on, me included.
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