From A to C-

One of the things I struggle with is worry. I wake up in the night with thought bombs and can't get back to sleep.  I know what Christ said about worrying and what Paul says about being anxious for nothing. I have jokingly said when nothing comes in I am anxious.  God has been working very hard with me on this point of late.  The problem is, that along with the revelation, he tests me.  I freely admit that I have failed these tests many times.  So he keeps schooling and testing.  I am up to a D+/ C-.  C-! I have a Masters in Physical Chemistry which is the Physics of Chemistry and yet, in the important stuff, God's school, the best I can do is a C-.  Which by the way, is an average. Believe me, it is not for a lack of trying.  It frustrates me, my wife, my family.  I get overwhelmed, and grumpy.  It is not something I like about myself, and honestly, without the Holy Spirit, a saint of a wife, and understanding children.  I would fail miserably.  Still, a C- average.  Not a stellar grade.  My spiritual GPA is being dragged down. What is worse, is my physical disabilities as well as some minor brain damage, (not itelligence decrease), exacerbates my frustration level at not being able to "fix" the problem.  I was born into a family of fixers.  My father was a master machinist in the European trade system and my brother is a great auto mechanic.  And me, well, there has not been a laboratory instrument made that I could not learn and learn to repair.  That being said, I am unable to work in a lab or even as a Wal-mart greeter so I can't "fix" financial stresses. More than that, my incredible capable wife, is the CEO of our business.  She built it with God and when she runs into snags, I can't fix them.  She does and has been doing great and God has chosen this avenue to provide for us.  I am not very useful in this area.  I am not business minded.  I fail her often.  This translates to failing God and failing my family, in my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I have failed tests before and some have been hard on my acadademic progression and some hard on my career.  But failing in this area effects my view on whom I thought I was created to be and my role as such.  Not pretty.  God, for some reason, thinks otherwise.  Is he setting me up to fail?  Does not sound like a perfect loving father (sometimes a loving father will allow us to fail for our own good).  So my hope is this.  My idea of success is wrong and God, the perfect God, has faith in me and so continues working on me, even if I have lost faith in myself.  So I guess, since God is working on my optimism as well, I can say with enthusiasm, a C- is better than an F.

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