The First Anniversary Is the Hardest
Sorry, I am not talking about marriage. I am talking about grieving. Why? Some of my dearest friends are approaching the first anniversary of the death of their father, friend, husband, son. Myself included. Eric Van Rhee was bigger than life in many ways. He was a great father, a wonderful husband, and an irreplaceable friend. He died February 18, 2016. The hole he left in his family and his church was huge. The hole he left in my family's life was huge as well. I have not spoken much about it for 2 reasons. 1. I did not want to diminish the grief of his family and closest friends and 2. we were not the only ones who were grieving him. That being said, I feel deeply moved to speak on this.
Those who have lost someone very close to them know this. That first anniversary is extremely difficult. It feels like it is happening all over again. The barely scabbed wound is ripped open and your heart starts bleeding again. Why I am stating this? No it is not to rub salt in anyone's wounds. It is to let those who are facing this, and going through it, know that they are not alone. While each person's grief is uniquely their own, there are those of us who have gone through this, and we understand the renewal of the oppressive pain at the anniversary. We know it starts weeks before and grows like a crescendo of fear and agony until the day of the date. Surprisingly, the day after the pain drops to almost manageable.
Here is what I would say to those around the grief-stricken. Yes I used the word grief stricken. Not to show off but because the word is so apt. Anyway, please realize, even though it has been a year, a year is nothing compared to the lifetime of loss and memories, the pain of facing it again, and going through it again. Please, under no circumstances, suggest to your friend or loved one that "it is time to move on." That is cold, insensitive, and very obvious you have no clue. Give them space, but make sure that they know that they can lean on you if they need to without judgement and without expectation. When I say expectation, I mean expecting them to help ease your pain or give you attention. As though it was the original day, take the mundane burdens, the ones that need to be done but do not need intimate experience and knowledge to perform them, off of their shoulders. If you have a way for them to go away for a day or so, make that available. My family was blessed by people who gave us some of their time they had in a time-share condo. Just an example not a requirement.
In the long run, don't expect them to behave as though they are over it because it has been a year. No matter how strong they are, I guarantee that they are not over it. They will never be over it! But God and time does heal wounds and while the heart stops bleeding, there will still be scars. Love on them. Again I say love on them. Love with the love that says I care that you are suffering even though I may not understand it. Love on them with the love that says I can't carry the burden, but I can carry you.
Those who have lost someone very close to them know this. That first anniversary is extremely difficult. It feels like it is happening all over again. The barely scabbed wound is ripped open and your heart starts bleeding again. Why I am stating this? No it is not to rub salt in anyone's wounds. It is to let those who are facing this, and going through it, know that they are not alone. While each person's grief is uniquely their own, there are those of us who have gone through this, and we understand the renewal of the oppressive pain at the anniversary. We know it starts weeks before and grows like a crescendo of fear and agony until the day of the date. Surprisingly, the day after the pain drops to almost manageable.
Here is what I would say to those around the grief-stricken. Yes I used the word grief stricken. Not to show off but because the word is so apt. Anyway, please realize, even though it has been a year, a year is nothing compared to the lifetime of loss and memories, the pain of facing it again, and going through it again. Please, under no circumstances, suggest to your friend or loved one that "it is time to move on." That is cold, insensitive, and very obvious you have no clue. Give them space, but make sure that they know that they can lean on you if they need to without judgement and without expectation. When I say expectation, I mean expecting them to help ease your pain or give you attention. As though it was the original day, take the mundane burdens, the ones that need to be done but do not need intimate experience and knowledge to perform them, off of their shoulders. If you have a way for them to go away for a day or so, make that available. My family was blessed by people who gave us some of their time they had in a time-share condo. Just an example not a requirement.
In the long run, don't expect them to behave as though they are over it because it has been a year. No matter how strong they are, I guarantee that they are not over it. They will never be over it! But God and time does heal wounds and while the heart stops bleeding, there will still be scars. Love on them. Again I say love on them. Love with the love that says I care that you are suffering even though I may not understand it. Love on them with the love that says I can't carry the burden, but I can carry you.
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