Darkened Soul

It is hard for me to feel the holiday season, when I know that on the other side of the world as well as many other places, 12 year old girls are being forced into prostitution and being murdered for their troubles. I had a great meal yesterday and I am thankful I live here and that my 5 daughters are relatively safe. But when you know and have met these children, it gives a very different perspective.  It makes you appreciate the blessings you have been given even more but at the same time, makes you intolerant of those who complain about the blessings they have received.

How do I reconcile these feelings?  I am human.  How does God reconcile these feelings?  He created these children, both the victims and the criminals.  When I die, I am promised that there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more fears. But for God, He remembers all. How deep is His love?  How deep is His grief?

Forgive me if I am scattered in my writing.  I am broken-hearted and torn.  I enjoyed a great day with my family and loved ones but it was shadowed by the knowledge of someone who I knew who never knew this pleasure and many others like her who never will.

Dickens was so right when he wrote about who was the surplus population. In God's eyes there is no "surplus."

I have had a long week and I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent. Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep then wake up sometime around Jan 15. Part of me wants to be some kind of super hero that can wield a lightening bolt of vengeance and justice. Part of me wants to scream at God. My spirit, however, knows that God is grieving far more than I could possibly grieve. There is a price for true love. He paid it, but I am beginning to believe that the payment was a balance but the cost was eternal.

So where does this leave me?  Merry Christmas to all?  I hope so. The reality is that it will not be. Prayer is a powerful tool that Jesus gave us.  So I pray.  I mourn. I try to rejoice but I am not feeling it.  I am thankful for my salvation, the salvation of all whom God has given it. Please don't try to engage me in a theological debate.  I am not up for it and quite frankly, I don't care.  Rather pray for those all over the world who don't know what we do and don't know who we do.

All this being said, I am not sure why I wrote this.  I guess I need a place to express what I am feeling and even with that, I am not doing it very well.  There are some things I can write and some things I cannot. All of it, however, sums up my current darkened soul.

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